I coach a lot of guys with BPD, and I thought it was time to set the record straight about these unique and wonderful people.

As much as having Borderline is stigmatized in general, guys with BPD are given an even worse rap. For one thing, old statistic representations showed that way more woman had BPD than men. We are learning that probably is not the case.  One of many factors that led to inaccurate information was that most of the early research on Borderline was done in hospital settings, and guys with Borderline weren’t showing up at the time in hospitals.

Another misrepresentation is that guys with BPD are all criminals and physically aggressive.  While it is true that testosterone can make the emotional escalation and impulsiveness of BPD show up more as physical aggression, I know a lot of guys who aren’t violent.  There are many flavors of Borderline. As usual, I’m not here to represent the ugly side of the disorder, I’m here to show the under-represented good side, and to shed light on the fact that these are at heart some great individuals.

Being sensitive or emotional when you are a male has also, unfortunately, been seen as a sign of weakness culturally. That may make it very hard for guys to accept a disorder that involves anything with the word “feelings” in it.

There is another stigma about having a personality disorder, one I once believed myself; that only the homeless and illiterate have mental illnesses. Not so. First of, 25% of Americans have a diagnosable mental illness in any given year.  Second of all, my clients are highly successfully professionals such as athletes, entrepreneurs, authors, attorneys and medical doctors. These guys are rock-steady in the business-world, with nary a symptom to be found, but are challenged as their symptoms show up in close personal relationships.

As with all who are “high-functioning”, it’s often hard to imagine that someone so smart and talented could be virtually disabled in a particular “hidden” part of life. When I talk to men who are struggling with accepting their diagnosis, I tell them this:  “you are obviously intelligent, successful and hard-working. Whatever symptom you are dealing with (temper outbursts, depression, etc.) is not due to a character flaw. You are not lazy, and you can’t think your way out of it, as hard as you’ve tried. The only plausible explanation for the out-of-character behaviors is that a part of your brain isn’t functioning correctly. Right?”  It’s the only thing that makes sense.
And it’s fixable.

Research shows now that we can heal our brain parts that aren’t working well. It takes repetition and some good hard work with therapy, education and practice. Recovery really is like going back to school and learning a new subject, or working with a personal trainer (or coach) to build muscle, flexibility and endurance. It takes a little time, but it changes you.

One stellar example of one changing his life is someone I am super proud to know and announce to you. Not only has he done the hard work to recover, he just graduated from my first class of certified coaches and is devoting his life to helping other guys recover. He is the nation’s first male coach to do what he is doing, and he is going to start filling a huge need out there. He is helping guys and also those who love them navigate through recovery. I look for big things from Coach Ted.  He has a great Facebook page if you’d like to know more about him.

Anyway, like those Bud-Light-We-Salute-You commercials, I thought it was time I shout out a salute to you guys with BPD. You try hard, you love deeply, and are so often misunderstood. But I think you rock. Hang in there.

Love, t

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Well, certainly, all those symptoms that label us and have caused us great misery haven’t been fun. But maybe. Maybe. There is something more. There is a reason we’ve gone through this all. And maybe there is a positive side to all of the symptoms.

And if we are a family member or friend of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), maybe all the searching, seeking, confusion, and, well, love, has some deeper meaning than just simply suffering.

When I (finally) got my diagnosis, it went something like this: “Congratulations, you aren’t really broken, you have a mental illness! It’s Borderline Personality Disorder, possibly the least understood and most stigmatized of all the illnesses”.

I was none too happy about any of it.

But as I looked past the misinformation given out by many clinicians, and the nastiness and insensitivity of much of the Internet chat rooms, I begin to find a glimmer of hope. I found that the research by well-known institutions such as Harvard was showing that BPD was a GREAT diagnosis. I learned that there could be some quick relief from medications, and more long term, entrenched relief, through therapy, support and education.

So I dug in, much like a new graduate student, armed with books and determination, and set out to change my brain and to change my life.
I took DBT Skills training classes, went to therapy, and read books. I tried to find others like me, but there were no local support groups to connect with.
Finally, some family support organizations let me hang out with them and eventually, one of them created peer-run support and education groups that I could be a part of.

Things have really changed since way back then (something like three whole years ago). And I think many would agree I’ve been a cutting edge leader in many of those changes. I have always believed that those with the diagnosis were under-estimated in their collective power to drive research, medication and treatment. Moreover, and possibly more important, we needed each other.

We needed each other to feel affirmed, for possibly the first time, that our uniqueness was cool, that there were others out there like us. And we needed each other to understand that recovery from the miserable parts was not only possible, but we knew how to get there.

And mentoring newbies, I soon found out, was possibly the most beneficial part of my own recovery, because the newfound competence of mastering mending was a vital part of the last stage of recovery. And I wanted others to have all that.

So, as I’ve led this charge for those with the diagnosis to influence medications, and treatment, and support, by far the most exhilarating of my work is connecting us all.

You all have become my family, and my dearest friends. You are family members, those with the diagnosis, and clinicians. Our lives have taken on meaning by helping one another, by connecting, by giving and receiving.

We’ve learned it’s okay to be us. That we can polish off those rough edges that made us ineffective in our lives and, now unabashedly, access our passion and love. We understand each other, we connect, we support and we love.

It’s okay. It’s who we are. If we have BPD, or if we love someone who does, there is a reason things are the way they are, and instead of seeing it all as horrible, we are seeing the meaning and purpose behind it all.

There is so much more to say about this. I am so proud of so many. I am so proud of you when you reach out, connect and encourage on my discussion group. I am so proud of my friend, Kiera Van Gelder, for all the work she put in to her memoir on her recovery from BPD.

And most of all, I’m proud of my coaches. You are family members, friends, and those with a diagnosis, who have completely and totally redeemed your experience. You are experts because you’ve lived it, and you are helping others navigate quickly what you painstakingly had to endure. Well done!

You coaches will be joining cutting edge clinical recovery teams, and creating your own practices. Your work will change the way treatment is done in the future. You are the wave of the future. Awesome.

My dream, and my passion, is to train an army of coaches. You all are, or will, share your experience and passion to help others. You are proving that to be Borderline, or to love someone with Borderline, is really, really cool.
And I love you all for every bit of it.

Hugs, t

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