I coach a lot of guys with BPD, and I thought it was time to set the record straight about these unique and wonderful people.
As much as having Borderline is stigmatized in general, guys with BPD are given an even worse rap. For one thing, old statistic representations showed that way more woman had BPD than men. We are learning that probably is not the case. One of many factors that led to inaccurate information was that most of the early research on Borderline was done in hospital settings, and guys with Borderline weren’t showing up at the time in hospitals.
Another misrepresentation is that guys with BPD are all criminals and physically aggressive. While it is true that testosterone can make the emotional escalation and impulsiveness of BPD show up more as physical aggression, I know a lot of guys who aren’t violent. There are many flavors of Borderline. As usual, I’m not here to represent the ugly side of the disorder, I’m here to show the under-represented good side, and to shed light on the fact that these are at heart some great individuals.
Being sensitive or emotional when you are a male has also, unfortunately, been seen as a sign of weakness culturally. That may make it very hard for guys to accept a disorder that involves anything with the word “feelings” in it.
There is another stigma about having a personality disorder, one I once believed myself; that only the homeless and illiterate have mental illnesses. Not so. First of, 25% of Americans have a diagnosable mental illness in any given year. Second of all, my clients are highly successfully professionals such as athletes, entrepreneurs, authors, attorneys and medical doctors. These guys are rock-steady in the business-world, with nary a symptom to be found, but are challenged as their symptoms show up in close personal relationships.
As with all who are “high-functioning”, it’s often hard to imagine that someone so smart and talented could be virtually disabled in a particular “hidden” part of life. When I talk to men who are struggling with accepting their diagnosis, I tell them this: “you are obviously intelligent, successful and hard-working. Whatever symptom you are dealing with (temper outbursts, depression, etc.) is not due to a character flaw. You are not lazy, and you can’t think your way out of it, as hard as you’ve tried. The only plausible explanation for the out-of-character behaviors is that a part of your brain isn’t functioning correctly. Right?” It’s the only thing that makes sense.
And it’s fixable.
Research shows now that we can heal our brain parts that aren’t working well. It takes repetition and some good hard work with therapy, education and practice. Recovery really is like going back to school and learning a new subject, or working with a personal trainer (or coach) to build muscle, flexibility and endurance. It takes a little time, but it changes you.
One stellar example of one changing his life is someone I am super proud to know and announce to you. Not only has he done the hard work to recover, he just graduated from my first class of certified coaches and is devoting his life to helping other guys recover. He is the nation’s first male coach to do what he is doing, and he is going to start filling a huge need out there. He is helping guys and also those who love them navigate through recovery. I look for big things from Coach Ted. He has a great Facebook page if you’d like to know more about him.
Anyway, like those Bud-Light-We-Salute-You commercials, I thought it was time I shout out a salute to you guys with BPD. You try hard, you love deeply, and are so often misunderstood. But I think you rock. Hang in there.
Love, t
And if we are a family member or friend of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), maybe all the searching, seeking, confusion, and, well, love, has some deeper meaning than just simply suffering.
unabashedly, access our passion and love. We understand each other, we connect, we support and we love.
