Tami Green

Coaching, support, and hope for Borderline Personality Disorder -- Recovery from BPD is possible, and Tami Green can help you get there.

Tami Green
Borderline Personality Support
Recovery is Possible!
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Lemons into Lemonade
November 3rd, 2010

lemonI know, right? It’s November and I’m talking lemons instead of turkeys. But that is the point, actually. I want us all to start thinking differently. Very differently.

Take the whole topic of Borderline Personality Disorder. Some would say it’s a disastrous fate I have suffered, having such a horrible disorder. I say, are you kidding? It changed my life when I got the diagnosis, and everything I went through is now used to help others. You could say it is a tragedy. But I say, it’s been a good thing, ultimately. I am grateful for all the friends I’ve met along the way, and also for my clients, who I couldn’t be prouder of.

I love those of you with Borderline or BPD traits. You are some of the most wonderful, big human beings I’ve ever met. I use the word “big” because you folks are bursting at the seams with goodness, intellect and creative ideas. Once all that creative power is unleashed and properly directed–look out!

Problem is, you may have spent a life time seeking others’ approval, direction and input and it has left you paralyzed, ineffective and, well, crazy.

The good news is all those years you’ve been miserable, you’ve built up a universe of desires and preferences that can be tapped into with a little work. There have been no mistakes. There is much to gain now by tapping into all the information stored inside you through your life experiences.

So…how do you tap into it?

If life affords you any down-time over the next couple of months, I have a simple exercise that could change your life. It will help you access that inner guidance system that’s more than likely not worked too well up to this point.

Here is what you do:

Get a notebook and decorate it in any fashion that makes you happy. Mine is lime-green with hand-painted daisies on it :)

Now, every time you think of something that makes you unhappy–write it down in the left hand column of your notebook. For example, “I just hate it when people act in a condescending manner towards me.”

Then in the right hand column write down it’s opposite. For the example, you would now write, “I want to be surrounded by people who look up to me and treat me with respect.”

You see, every time you experienced something horrible, it created a new desire in you for something you really, really wanted.

After you’ve done this for a couple of weeks, tear that sheet in half and just keep the right hand side. Now instead of focusing on all the things that are missing in life (left side), you have a very clear picture of what you really desire (right side).

Get very creative now and post all those happy desires everywhere you can. Make neon Post-It notes, paint up canvases, write them on index cards–record them and play them on your mp3–wherever you want. And every time you are tempted to think a thought that makes you feel unhappy–look at those desires of yours. Over and over again.

Trust me on this: once you get very clear on what you want by tapping into what you know about yourself, then the steps to getting there are much easier.

Believe that your dreams will come true. End this year better than you started it. Now is the time to take all those lemons in your life and make lemonade out of them.

Have fun with it all!

With love and excitement for all that is to come to you, Tami

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Borderline Personality Disorder Relationship Recovery 101
October 28th, 2010

Whether you have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or love someone who does, one of the enormous benefits we derive from recovery is improving our relationships.

In my coaching practice, I’d say difficulties with relationships are the number one reason why 10940_104588676219598_100000053980832_122469_1452799_nfolks voluntarily seek counsel and guidance. When I see strained, chaotic interactions morph into calm, cooperative, and mutually supportive partnerships, well…it is one of the most joyous things I get to experience.

If it our desire to have meaningful, fulfilling relationships, you can have them. You can even repair mistakes you made before you knew better.

And there are also times when those you wish to be close to have other plans, and just aren’t interested in you.

To be certain, the hardest relationships to rebuild are those where there is no longer any contact. But even in those circumstances, there are things you can do. Here are my top ten things to do to improve/win back/find the relationship you want:

1. Learn to tolerate distress a little better. Some conflict and difficult circumstances and discussions are a part of a normal, healthy relationship. If you can keep that in perspective, and not blow them up further, then these occurrences will just come and go. They can also serve as a time to develop intimacy, problem solve, and to learn to trust and support one another more.

2. Work on your sense of self worth. Other than learning how to tolerate distress, there is nothing that has improved my relationships more than this one. Why? Because now that I have a strong sense of who I am, I am not nearly as bothered that someone may be judging, leaving or criticizing me when they offer their perspective. I value (for the most part!) others input, can consider it, but it does not have to define me or my worth.

3. Improve your validation skills. Validating is a communication skill where you non-judgmentally listen to someone and let them know that their experience is real and understandable. This does not mean you agree with their position. This skill is very helpful in de-escalating strong emotions in another, and in delivering an assertive request, or denial to a request.

4. Ask yourself, “so what?” Is being right, or having things done perfectly really worth losing the relationship? Really? If it is, then go ahead and assert yourself. But the next time a task isn’t done exactly right, ask yourself, “so what?” Is it really that important?

5. Learn how to skillfully ask for your own needs to be met. This requires skill in balancing your request with firmness and gentleness, being clear, and making it about you, not their deficiencies. Being able to clearly articulate the reward to them for granting your request is also very important.

6. Practice saying “no.” Actually, being able to say “no” without apology can help strengthen your relationship. You will feel stronger and more satisfied, and your partner will feel like they can count on you to do the right thing, no matter how much they push against you.

7. Experience gratitude and show it. Make lists of the things you value and appreciate about those you love and express your gratitude to them for these specific things often. Very often.

8. Learn how to be a giving person. This is very different than being a resentful door-mat. What I am talking about is being able to observe needs in others, and meet them without being asked, and without expecting something specific in return. And also be a vessel to receive love.

9. Appreciate differences. We were made to be inter-dependent with others. Those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder really love being in relationships and are not usually made to be “an island unto ourselves.” Celebrate this fact, and celebrate that we do really complete one another. Show this by liberally allowing others to make their own choices and be their own selves, and reap the rewards of the wonderful new things they bring to our lives.

10. Practice compassion and take a non-judgmental stance with others. If you really have these two things down, then true recovery is yours.

With love, Tami

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Professional Men with Borderline (BPD)
September 2nd, 2010

Professional Dad with Borderline

I coach a lot of guys with BPD, and I thought it was time to set the record straight about these unique and wonderful people.

As much as having Borderline is stigmatized in general, guys with BPD are given an even worse rap. For one thing, old statistic representations showed that way more woman had BPD than men. We are learning that probably is not the case.  One of many factors that led to inaccurate information was that most of the early research on Borderline was done in hospital settings, and guys with Borderline weren’t showing up at the time in hospitals.

Another misrepresentation is that guys with BPD are all criminals and physically aggressive.  While it is true that testosterone can make the emotional escalation and impulsiveness of BPD show up more as physical aggression, I know a lot of guys who aren’t violent.  There are many flavors of Borderline. As usual, I’m not here to represent the ugly side of the disorder, I’m here to show the under-represented good side, and to shed light on the fact that these are at heart some great individuals.

Being sensitive or emotional when you are a male has also, unfortunately, been seen as a sign of weakness culturally. That may make it very hard for guys to accept a disorder that involves anything with the word “feelings” in it.

There is another stigma about having a personality disorder, one I once believed myself; that only the homeless and illiterate have mental illnesses. Not so. First of, 25% of Americans have a diagnosable mental illness in any given year.  Second of all, my clients are highly successfully professionals such as athletes, entrepreneurs, authors, attorneys and medical doctors. These guys are rock-steady in the business-world, with nary a symptom to be found, but are challenged as their symptoms show up in close personal relationships.

As with all who are “high-functioning”, it’s often hard to imagine that someone so smart and talented could be virtually disabled in a particular “hidden” part of life. When I talk to men who are struggling with accepting their diagnosis, I tell them this:  “you are obviously intelligent, successful and hard-working. Whatever symptom you are dealing with (temper outbursts, depression, etc.) is not due to a character flaw. You are not lazy, and you can’t think your way out of it, as hard as you’ve tried. The only plausible explanation for the out-of-character behaviors is that a part of your brain isn’t functioning correctly. Right?”  It’s the only thing that makes sense.
And it’s fixable.

Research shows now that we can heal our brain parts that aren’t working well. It takes repetition and some good hard work with therapy, education and practice. Recovery really is like going back to school and learning a new subject, or working with a personal trainer (or coach) to build muscle, flexibility and endurance. It takes a little time, but it changes you.

One stellar example of one changing his life is someone I am super proud to know and announce to you. Not only has he done the hard work to recover, he just graduated from my first class of certified coaches and is devoting his life to helping other guys recover. He is the nation’s first male coach to do what he is doing, and he is going to start filling a huge need out there. He is helping guys and also those who love them navigate through recovery. I look for big things from Coach Ted.  He has a great Facebook page if you’d like to know more about him.

Anyway, like those Bud-Lite-We-Salute-You commercials, I thought it was time I shout out a salute to you guys with BPD. You try hard, you love deeply, and are so often misunderstood. But I think you rock. Hang in there.

Love, t

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Being Borderline is So Super Cool
August 28th, 2010

Well, certainly, all those symptoms that label us and have caused us great misery haven’t been fun. But maybe. Maybe. There is something more. There is a reason we’ve gone through this all. And maybe there is a positive side to all of the symptoms.

Tami Green And if we are a family member or friend of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), maybe all the searching, seeking, confusion, and, well, love, has some deeper meaning than just simply suffering.

When I (finally) got my diagnosis, it went something like this: “Congratulations, you aren’t really broken, you have a mental illness! It’s Borderline Personality Disorder, possibly the least understood and most stigmatized of all the illnesses”.

I was none too happy about any of it.

But as I looked past the misinformation given out by many clinicians, and the nastiness and insensitivity of much of the Internet chat rooms, I begin to find a glimmer of hope. I found that the research by well-known institutions such as Harvard was showing that BPD was a GREAT diagnosis. I learned that there could be some quick relief from medications, and more long term, entrenched relief, through therapy, support and education.

So I dug in, much like a new graduate student, armed with books and determination, and set out to change my brain and to change my life.
I took DBT Skills training classes, went to therapy, and read books. I tried to find others like me, but there were no local support groups to connect with.
Finally, some family support organizations let me hang out with them and eventually, one of them created peer-run support and education groups that I could be a part of.

Things have really changed since way back then (something like three whole years ago). And I think many would agree I’ve been a cutting edge leader in many of those changes. I have always believed that those with the diagnosis were under-estimated in their collective power to drive research, medication and treatment. Moreover, and possibly more important, we needed each other.

We needed each other to feel affirmed, for possibly the first time, that our uniqueness was cool, that there were others out there like us. And we needed each other to understand that recovery from the miserable parts was not only possible, but we knew how to get there.

And mentoring newbies, I soon found out, was possibly the most beneficial part of my own recovery, because the newfound competence of mastering mending was a vital part of the last stage of recovery. And I wanted others to have all that.

So, as I’ve led this charge for those with the diagnosis to influence medications, and treatment, and support, by far the most exhilarating of my work is connecting us all.

You all have become my family, and my dearest friends. You are family members, those with the diagnosis, and clinicians. Our lives have taken on meaning by helping one another, by connecting, by giving and receiving.

We’ve learned it’s okay to be us. That we can polish off those rough edges that made us ineffective in our lives and, now tami-green-certified-coachunabashedly, access our passion and love. We understand each other, we connect, we support and we love.

It’s okay. It’s who we are. If we have BPD, or if we love someone who does, there is a reason things are the way they are, and instead of seeing it all as horrible, we are seeing the meaning and purpose behind it all.

There is so much more to say about this. I am so proud of so many. I am so proud of you when you reach out, connect and encourage on my discussion group. I am so proud of my friend, Kiera Van Gelder, for all the work she put in to her memoir on her recovery from BPD.

And most of all, I’m proud of my coaches. You are family members, friends, and those with a diagnosis, who have completely and totally redeemed your experience. You are experts because you’ve lived it, and you are helping others navigate quickly what you painstakingly had to endure. Well done!

You coaches will be joining cutting edge clinical recovery teams, and creating your own practices. Your work will change the way treatment is done in the future. You are the wave of the future. Awesome.

My dream, and my passion, is to train an army of coaches. You all are, or will, share your experience and passion to help others. You are proving that to be Borderline, or to love someone with Borderline, is really, really cool.
And I love you all for every bit of it.

Hugs, t

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