From Conflict to Abounding Love: How to Change Your Relationship

All relationships, whether with a boss or lover, are a mystery. 

We do our best, read the books, watch Dr. Phil, and still...conflict. Throw in to the mix an emotional dysregulation disorder, and even the most patient, loving individuals may find themselves lashing out in ways they never believed possible.

The good news is that the conflict that occurs when one or both members have Borderline Personality Disorder can be minimized through some tried and true techniques.

When one first enters into BPD recovery, often-times the conflict is so escalated that suicide is threatened, or physical confrontation may occur. At a minimum, there is misery when a couple is deeply in love and want nothing more than peaceful co-existence.

But it is realistic to expect that episodes will lessen in intensity, duration and frequency over time. This happens as each in the couple learns validating and self-soothing skills and also as they learn the advanced techniques of holding strong to their own belief system while also being able to see the other's point of view.

How do we change our relationships?

First, learn how to use validating language with your partner. In a nutshell, this is all about expressing that the other's experience is real and valid. It is about finding what you can agree on and expressing that to the other. It is about refraining from using logical arguments, disagreeing, or defending oneself until after you validate the other and they feel understood.

But this technique is also self-serving. When someone is too emotional to hear your rationale, then presenting it will only escalate the argument. However, if your partner feels understood, this will have an incredibly calming and connecting influence, and then problems may be resolved.

Even if you strongly disagree with their viewpoint, or it downright seems illogical, let them know you understand their unique experience. For example, if your partner is distressed about something they think you have done, even if you have not done it, let them know you can understand why, given their experience, that they would be so upset.  You are not agreeing with their logic, you are agreeing with their experience. Their reality is that they are in distress and that they are viewing things a certain way.

Second, know yourself and your own needs, as well as being able to consider the other's point of view. We often rely on our partner to validate our own needs while not really understanding ourselves first. We can't expect others to validate what we ourselves are not sure of.

Third, learn how to more skillfully ask for what you want, rather than staying at high intensity about every request. If someone has been very emotional about many issues for a long time, those around them stop taking them serious about things that really are important. With new skills, where once everything may have been lumped into "just another argument", problems can actually begin to be solved.

Fourth, set boundaries with love, in the context of keeping the relationship, not leaving it. For example, if there has been lots of high conflict, and you are in the habit of leaving to flee the chaos, change the dialogue surrounding the leaving. Say something like, "this is getting escalated and I just need to go away and cool off for a little bit. But I WILL be back in three hours."

Before recovery, those with BPD are unable to tolerate the distress that is inevitably attached to some problem solving dialogues. But at the same time, they are unable to tolerate someone they love leaving them. When someone you love walks away from you, and you also have BPD, you feel they will be gone forever and it is deeply grieving and terrifying. 

For these reasons, if either of you needs to leave to cool down, it is very, very important that you let the other know you WILL be back in a specific time frame. 

Finally, both increased compassion for others and a strong sense of self will occur in recovery. Also, the cognitive distortions subside and more rational thinking occurs. But this takes time. It is reasonable to expect slow, sustained improvement, not over-night perfection.

This may be surprising to some, but I have many clients with BPD who actually become more skillful at managing their relationships than their partners.

This will bring with it a unique set of problems that can be avoided. By having both members of the relationship in therapy, coaching and/or DBT classes, you will be learning together as you grow closer with a common purpose and language. You will be about sharing a passion to become a peaceful, loving couple.

What could be better than that?

For more resources on improving your relationship, including the highly recommended book, The High Conflict Couple by Dr. Alan E., Ph.D. Fruzzetti (Author), Dr. Marsha M. Linehan (Foreword), visit our family resources page.